the phoenix and the doe
by SynthiaSeverin
Summary: Albus Dumbledore and Severus Snape – the phoenix and the doe. That's their story. The story of the friendship of two actually lonely humans, who secretly mean to each other much more than they show openly. A relationship influenced by conflicts - and deep trust as well. By a shared destiny, a common mission and – a tragically end. Friendship- NO SLASH...very close to canon
1. Prologue (1981)

**foreword**

Hello, nice you have clicked my fanfiction. Before we get into the story, I have some things to say about it.

First: English isn't my mother tongue. I'm from Germany and this fanfiction is a (trie of a) translation of one of my German fanfictions. I've decided to translate it for a foreign mailfriend so she can read it allthough she doesn't understand German. Unfortunately English and I have never been close friends. So be warned of terrible grammer and terrible translations ;-) (of course I'm checking my texts as well as possible, but writing in a foreign language, you know...). If nevertheless I should have failed to scare you off (maybe your English is as bad as mine?) please don't mind to criticise me! I would look for a betareader - but I must confess, I'm too lazy (and too busy) at the moment. So I'm waiting for the moment he or she finds me.

But enough of bad things. I wanted to tell you some facts about the fanfiction. Like written in the summery it's about Albus Dumbledore and Severus Snape. Both are my favourite characters in the books and I find their relationship really fascinating. Especially because Rowling showed it only in few spotlights in the books what means there's much space to read between the lines. This fanfiction is an attempt to wirte down, what I'm reading in there. So it's closly based on the canon.

Writing "in character" is very important to me. But what's ic and what's ooc is a question of interpretation. "My" Dumbledore is neighter the stone-hearted chess-master nor santa claus, but a fallible human in a difficult position who makes with good intensions the wrong decisions. And "my" Snape is a book-based, fat-hairy cynic, who under the surface is no way as as "cool" and controlled as Rickman-Snape.

In some chapters I've used wordplays in the German original which can't be translated or made fun of some famous errors in translation of the German books. In these cases I'll give you a short explanation what you could have read in the German fanficitons or books, so that you can laugh with me.

**time:** end of the first conversation after Lily's death till Albus Dumbledore's death (in progress)

**Uploads: **I'll trie to update the fanfiction at least once within a month. Earlier updates are possible. If I cannot update to the announced date, I'll let know you when you can expect the next chapter.

_**Italic written text**_ are quotes from the original Harry Potter books (exception: ANs at the beginning or the end of the chapter)

**warnings: **this fanfiction might contain passages about psychological problems.

I hope you'll enjoy reading - and, of course thx to all reviewers!

**cover picture: **The beauttiful picture for this fanfiction is named "The Headmaster's Shadow" and drawn by Vizen,one of my favorite fan art artists on deviantart. She gave me the permission to use it for this fanfiction. I want to recommend you her HP-fanart, because her Snapes are very book-like

...

**First Chapter - Prologue (1981)**

„What… what shall I do? Is he… here? "

The tear-suffocated, anguished voice came quietly from two narrow lips. Through the windows grey morning light fell into the circular room. A man with a long, white beard and the same hair shook his head.

"No, Harry Potter is at a safer place. His aunt will look after him for the time being."

„Petunia Evans?" asked the first and his black hair fell upon his face. He seemed neither pleased nor startled, more a little surprised.

„Petunia Dursley", his opponent corrected him, „she is married".

The man bowed his glance. Mrs. Dursley's matrimony didn't seem to interest him.

„When…", he asked quietly.

A sigh filled the room.

„That's the question. I hope not before the boy will be student here. But it can't be said clearly. We have to expect it any time."

The black-haired closed his eyes tight and let his head sink into the hands. For a few seconds the old man stood silently in front of him.

„Until it happens", he said eventually and his voice sounded serious, „there surely will be some other duties for you at this school".

The dark-haired looked up in suprise. „I… you… you are serious? ... I thought, this had only been a lie for the Dark Lord".

„My offer stands", the old man answered simply, „I hope you will make a wise decision".

A few seconds of silence passed. The black-haired didn't move. He also didn't speak anymore.

„Is there something else you want to discuss with me?, the man with the white beard eventually asked him.

„No…No…", answered the addressed obviously exhaust.

„Well, then we'll see us again in a few days."

Without saying a word the black-haired stood up. His eyes were blank as he went to the door.

„And something else", the white-haired called after him.

„yes?".

„Do allow yourself some rest. You really seem to need it. I hope to see you in a better state again. See you later".

With a wistful glance the dark-haired crossed the threshold.

„See you later, Sir".


	2. Broken Lilys (1981)

Yellow leafs covered the grass down to the lake, faded like withered lily blossoms. A few boys argued on their way to the greenhouse. Severus Snape passed them silently. Today he didn't even care about the teenagers who really annoyed him while his visits within the last two weeks. The shadows of the happenings lay too heavy on his shoulders. One single night had ended up with the war and the wizard world celebrated. But on the sky over Hogwarts the dark November clouds hung deep.

Lily!

Lily was dead!

His Lily – dead!

She and James Potter - the last of Voldemort's victims after years of horror. And only the son survived. Survived because his mother had cast herself protecting in front of him. Severus still couldn't believe it. Not half of an hour ago he sat in the headmaster's office to hear it from Dumbledore himself. And he had confirmed it. James and Lily had trusted the wrong man, Dumbledore had explained him and so much more, Severus didn't understand. That Voldemort will return, that Lily's son will be in danger, that Dumbledore will need his helping hand, that this would be his way forward, if he truly loved Lily.

Snape's head was in a whirl by all those words. He wasn't really able to listen. His grief was too deep, too overwhelming. Lily was dead – and it was all his own guilt. his own goddamned guilt! How could he ever be that blind to join the Dark Lord, to deliver him this damned prophecy?

Severus sank down on a big stone at the shores of the lake, where the wind was whipping stormy waves across the water. He tore upwards the sleeve of his coat and hit his fist down on his arm, exactly at that point,where not long ago the Dark Mark was burning. Not Lily should be dead, but he. He should lie at the graveyard of Godric's Hollow. For one moment Severus was looking through his wind-tousled hair upon the churned up water. He felt the need to rush in the flood right now.

But by doing that Lily wouldn't also rise again from the dead. Dumbledore was right. It would be in vain.

Dumbledore! Dumbledore!

Severus had trusted him; put himself in the greatest danger to spy for him… and what had happened? Dumbledore had failed. The only one, HE ever feared, had failed. Only a week, one damned week, Lily had been safe. Furiously Severus threw a stone out on the water. One of her closest friends had betryed her. O, when Severus ever will get him into his fingers,that rottenly, litttle betrayer, he personally would kill him . And he surely wouldn't grant him the mercy of Avada Kedavra. Slowly and agonising he would let him die.

Absently Snape drew his wand, poited it at the floor. From the earth grew green leaves, a stalk, a lilac blossom. A lily stretched its head in the cold novemberair. A icily gust of wind blew over the grass. The flower broke down, wilted and was cold dust again. Severus fought his hands before his face. He wasn't able…willing… to look at the meager remains. How could he go ahead, how could he live on? Everything that had ever been of worth for him has broken down. His parent's house in Spinner's end went to ruin, The Dark Lord had been nothing but a great lie und the only human being he ever loved – was dead. Nothing in Severus' life still had a framing, order or sense. He felt like he was drifting on the churned up lake like one of Hagrid's old boats – without a ferryman, aimlessly and rotten.

Only one single weak light was shining through the thick fog at the horizon.

_„__Help me protect Lily's son" _

The words resounded in his head thousandfoldly. He was all that remained of Lily. The boy of that hideously Potter, his arch-enemy. That child – the reason why the Dark Lord killed Lily at all. And Dumbledore wanted Severus to protect the boy. Just him. He would do it, yes, he would, only for Lily. It was everything left he could do for her now, even if Severus still couldn't believe, that he has given Dumbledore his word.

Dumbledore…

For a moment Severus paused and breathed deeply. What would he be without Dumbledore?Although his expectations seemed difficult to fulfill, Dumbledore was like a last silky thread, which bound Severus to life. He remembered the night on the hilltop. Not even two weeks had passed but nevertheless it seemed to him thus as if the world had seen hundreds of years since then. He remembered his fear of death and how wretchedly he felt when Dumbledore called him disgusting. But nevertheless the old man had believed him in the end, had made him to his spy, even offered him, to come back to Hogwarts, to become a teacher here, just a moment ago.

That after all what happened there still somebody wanted to give him a chance, seemed to Severus unbelievable as undeserved . Surely, he didn't like the duties Dumbledore imposed on him. Spy and teacher, both weren't his dream jobs. But could he refuse that offer? Where should he go? Beyond these walls there was no life for him. Und no human being who cared for him. Anyone he once called friend, had been a Death Eater like him. Dumbledore was his only hope, the only light shining on his darkened path of life.

Severus only hoped the old wizard would keep his word. Nothing was more unbearably as the imagination, somebody could know about that story. James Potter's son. A icily gust of wind let Severus shiver. For a moment he longed to return in the warm, circular room, back to the blue eyes with the piercing gaze. He stood up, turned around to castle, and looked up to Dumbledore's office. All at once Severus believed to see a shadow behind the windowpanes…

...

_italic text: J.K Rowling - Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows, page 544_


	3. The face behind the panes (1981)

For a long time, Albus Dumbledore stood at the windows and with a serious look he looked down to the castle's grounds, were autumn trees were spreading carpets of golden foliage around themselves. A lean black-haired figure had wandered the area aimlessly, had stopped, looked up to the window and gone on, obviously trying to clear his mind. The old man watched him while he let the events pass review. Still well Albus remembered the night on the hilltop not even fourteen days ago, when the wind was wildly whirling Snape's hair around his head like now. He remembered his begging for Lily's protection, how he investigated his sincerity, and the beginning of their cooperation. An alliance Albus Dumbledore not entered without mixed feelings. A spy among Voldemort's followers was a great profit for the order of the phoenix, and Snape's love for lily gave him the security, that he would fulfill his duty. But Snape's indifference to the death of others, especially to an innocent child, had filled him with deep disgust.

Albus sighed deeply. The newest events changed everything. Still he saw Snape sitting in front of him, sobbing, despaired and wretched. He had listened Severus' lamentation looking grim. Still there was an echo of the old disdain, which didn't let him find the warmth he had treated the other members or the order with. It had mixed with his rage about the Snape's reproaches. Of course they weren't completely wrong, but he also could blame Snape. Still it was difficult for Albus to feel something like personal sympathy for the young man. The fact that Severus still didn't seem to care about the child repelled him too much. But yet his tears touched him. Lily's Death seemed to be a severe blow to him, a very severe blow und his remorse deep and sincere in spite of all.

Dumbledore closed his eyes and breathed deeply. Being to blame for the death of a beloved one was a heavy burden. He knew it only too well. Already too long he himself carried in this load.

Ariana!

Still he saw her before himself, his sister – lifeless, cold, dead. Died, because he had cared more about his plans than about her. What a fool he had been. Grindelwald, his first great love, their vision to suppress the muggles for the sake of the Greater Good. Blindness. Ideas that were not better than Voldemort's. Being young means to be easily seduced, going astray quickly, Albus thought. Severus Snape was young. Just four years older than the students of the highest grade. And he also followed the wrong person. Their life stories were similar and maybe that was the reason why Albus saw something in the young man nobody else saw in him. They were alike each other…

Outside before the window the black figure finally had taken the way down to the lake. Albus had followed him with worried gazes.

_„__I wish… I wish I were dead…"_

Snape's desperation let his heart become heavy. He only could hope imploringly the young man wouldn't do anything stupid. Youth, grief and guilt were no good mixture. And certainly Albus used Snape's position for his for his purposes, when he pushed him into his services again. But could he show consideration for it? In his position he had to interweave all threads with each other to do justice to as many people as possible. Maybe mercy and a new duty could save Harry's life as well as Severus', Dumbledore hoped. Under his direction Hogwarts always had been a retreat for all those who had a hard position within the wizard's world. Already Dumbledore's morality ordered to grant an apostate Death Eater a second chance. Remorse was a higher aim than the victory of wands. Reparation a better way than the years in Azkaban. Under his care he would lead Severus back on the right path, Albus hoped.

Calmed down Dumbledore saw, that the lean figure merely had sat down on a stone at the shores of the lake. Only one thing still made him worried – that his ally preferred to make a secret out of their arrangement. Severus would have a rough time, not make it easy for himself by his silence. There weren't much people, who would trust a former Death Eater without a good reason. In his goodwill with him Dumbledore had tried to retune the 21-year-old. But Severus fiercely insisted on nobody may know about their arrangement. And Albus had given him his word wistfully. He didn't plan to break it…


	4. A new, old Hogwarts ( 1981)

„Ah, Severus, come in! " - It had been a bitterly cold november evening when Severus visited Dumbledore in his office again to talk about his employment in Hogwarts. If Severus had been free, he never would have assumed a position as teacher. But his situation left him no other choice than to put himself under Dumbledore's protection, knowing the old wizard would keep a good eye on him in these halls. Beyond the walls of the castle only Askaban was waiting for him – or death. At least he maybe would be allowed to teach his favorite subject, Severus had hoped at that time. Still he remembered well the murky evening light, which had been falling through the old castle windows. "Well, you're very lucky", the headmaster had continued. Before himself Snape still saw the documents, which Dumbledore's hand had sorted quickly. "As luck would have it I can offer you a very good position. Professor Slughorn wants to leave us next school year. Therefore I'm looking for a competent successor for the field Potions. Certainly he won't mind to receive already some support this school year. Horace had assured me, you had always been an excellent student at this subject?"

"Outstanding in the NEWT exams", Severus had answered shortly and hesitated for a moment before he had continued,

"but if you will allow me to make a comment, Professor Dumbledore –"

"Yes, Severus?"

„I think I could be much more useful to the school as teacher for Defense Against the Dark Arts. As I read you still search somebody for that position for the next year. I-"

"Out of question!", Dumbledore had interrupted him gruffly.

Severus still knew how irritated he suddenly had been.

„Headmaster, I was informed of the Dark Lord's plans. If he really should return I could prepare the students. My knowledge about the Dark Arts is-"

"I doubt your Know-how in black magic on no account", Dumbledore had cut short him once more and darted a deep, doubtfully glance at him.

And suddenly Severus had understood it all. The realization had stung him. He had been awfully disappointing, almost like on the hill.

„Is it this? You don't trust me"

"Do you really believe, I would have fetched you to Hogawarts if I mistrust you?"

"I… I don't know. If it isn't this, what is it then, principal?"

„Enough, Severus!", Dumbledore had snapped at him, „I won't discuss with you. If you intend to work at Hogwarts, you'll have to be content with the position of the potions master."

With these words and his rancor in the stomach, Snape had left the headmaster's office – at least until the next day…

Severus cast up his eyes. Millions of caldrons spewed colorful clouds of smog into the clammy dungeon-air. Faint candlelight illuminated the room behind the midnight-black panes. The clock showed half past one. Two months had passed since he had tromped out of the headmaster's office. Yet still the memory hurt as it had been only yesterday. Why he didn't want Snape to teach Defense Against the Dark Arts, Dumbledore drew a veil of silence over. But he needn't tell something. Severus knew the answer already, even without words. A deep sigh imbued the room. Severus had hoped to gain Dumbledore's trust, to prove him that he merits it. Apparently Dumbledore saw that differently. Could Severus blame him? Not even the look of his own mirror image he could bear anymore, after what he did to Lily. Nobody in the whole world had stooped so low like him. So how could he expect others to trust him? Yet still it was hard on him that the headmaster still saw the Death Eater in him. He was very keen to get rid of his past, especially ahead of Dumbledore, the only one who knew his background.

But wasn't it a mark of confidence, too, that the headmaster had given him a second chance at Hogwarts and his word, he would conduct his defence in court, if the worst comes to the worst? That he even committed the house Slytherin to him, after Slughorn surprisingly had gone yet in the middle of the school year?

All this was much more of mercy Severus ever had merited, more he ever had envisaged. Sometimes the old man's trains of thought were quite odd. You never knew completely where you stand with him. And unhappily Dumbledore mastered Legilimency and Occlumency yet better than himself.

Meanwhile February had come and the winter painted frostwork on the window panes of the castle.

The sea-green light of the dungeonrooms welcomed Severus every day anew with its familiary gloomy glow. He knew it only too well from the Slytherin-common-room from seven long school years. The oldest students who did their spare time there now Severus did even come to know within his own schooldays. To be their head now was to Severus as strange as viewing Professor McGonagall or Professor Flitwick as colleagues. He liked the evenings best, when after the school had finished, he could pursue the only pursuit, he really liked with his position as teacher: brewing potions of all kinds. Flickering fire, bubbling water, ascending fume – the sleight of hand and the flair you need to gauge the ingredients – it was the only thing, whereby he could find abstraction and comfort. And what's more, he had his peace. No pubebescents, who put curses onto each other, no inept students, who blathered and muddled their potions, no Gryffindors, who cheered their Quidditch-team. Only fire, water and steam. How often in doing so Severus looked back on lily wistfully. Potions always had been her best subject and not only hers. So many hours Lily and he had been at their cauldrons together, in defiance of James Potter. Lily had even managed, to admitted into the famous Slug Club. Severus couldn't behold the empty school desks, the windows, the cauldrons without thinking of her. He kept himself to himself as well as possible. His colleagues he only saw within the teachers' room now and then and evaded them for the rest. Why should he spend time with them? Severus sought the loneliness. The bleak coldness, the moist darkness of the dungeonrooms suits him well. Everything down here appeared as a mirror of his soul to him. A dismal, grave-like home, where only Dumbledore as sporadic quest didn't bother.

If there hadn't been the errands, which forced Severus to leave his rooms now and again, probably nobody would have seen the lean black-dressed figure within the corridors of Hogwarts for days. But there were colleagues, who urgently needed potions; head teachers, who wanted to be informed about the misbehaviors of their fosterlings and inept students, who had been brought to the infirmary. Snape hated it, but his position as teacher obligated him. As with this evening just after march, 1. Some students, maybe even Slytherins, had defaced the dungeon-walls with a cauldron of silver potion. Quite indignant Snape had sallied to look for Filch, unaware he was about to make a supreme interesting discovery. The small door in the top floor nearly hadn't occurred to him, if he didn't hear a meow behind it, which sounded suspiciously like Filch's cat. Quickly he had passed the doorstep. But neither the animal nor its owner was to be seen. Solely a bluish light, which looked like a gone astray sounds- and-lights-charm, hovered over the floor. But Severus suddenly didn' care about it anymore. At the further end of the room, right by the window, he had spotted something within the blue blaze, which caught his whole attention. It was big, sumptuously framed and shiny. A mirror, apparently very old. But in the fine fibreglass Severus Snape didn't see his own reflection. He saw –

Lily!

The green eyes, the red hair. She was smiling and waving at him - cheerful, alive, and gorgeous. An image, that almost appeared real. Suddenly Severus saw himself next to her. Lily hugged him. Her eyes shined amorously, when she kissed him. His left shirtsleeve rode up, revealed his lower arm. On his skin no Dark Mark was burning.

For a moment Severus believed his heart would stand still.

„Lumos", he called und with a lighted wand he made towards the mirror. The plainer the features became, the clearer the red hair was shining, the more Severus got the feeling, his heart wanted to burst. Breathless he stopped before the fiberglass, put out his hand and stroked over the cold surface. He knew it was only witchcraft. But made it any difference? Lily was here – no matter if illusion or reality. Why didn't he find this magical mirror before? Severus hardy could watch the image, but also he couldn't look away. Delight, grief, desire, guilt - all emotions seemed to erupt in unison in him, when he looked into Lily's eyes. It was infinitely hard to him to break away from ERISED.


	5. Mirror glass and iron bars (1982)

Once again Hogwarts was shrouded in deep darkness, when Severus Snape climbed the stairs to the top floor on a Friday. This time he wasn't looking for Argus Filch, his designation was the small room under the roof itself. Exacting Severus took care, that not a living soul was following him. Not even one of the many portraits should suspect where he was going. The idea, that even one person could find out his secret was incredibly awkward to Severus. Fortunately all humans, ghosts and paintings seemed to sleep by now. From many frames resounded a deep snare. Severus knew it already. It wasn't the first time he spent the hours till sunrise in front of ERISED. By night was just the best time to visit the mirror unimpeded. Nobody would search for him at this time of day.

Finally Severus had reached the small room. The stars glittered on the horizon, when he passed the threshold.

„Colloportus", he wispered and the shutters shut, „Lumos!"

In the pale light of his wand Severus went to the mirror and looked in the beloved face again. At last he was alone with himself and his dream of Lily. Weakly he fell on his knees before ERISED and a flood of tears fell from his dark eyes when he looked into the green ones. Here was the only place out of his bedroom, where Severus admitted himself to weep for her. Little did he know, that in this night he was observed…

Behind Severus at a remove from him, stood an old man, entirely melded with the surroundings by a powerful Disillusionment Charm. For quite a while Albus watched the dark figure of the young wizard as he crouched in front of the mirror, mourning and yearning. He knew what Severus must see in the mirror glass – a picture like that he looked into, when he viewed ERISED. The face of a beloved human who had died. Dumbledore hadn't followed his youngest teacher uninformed. He had suspected where Severus Snape spent his nights since a month ago Peeves cracked jokes in the headmaster's office about a black phantom, who painted red the staircase to the top floor at night. Dumbledore had prohibited the poltergeist insistently from telling anyone, be it ghost, human or house-elf, about that und then had sunk back into his armchair quietly sighing. Bit by bit Albus begun to worry about Severus. He had hoped the young man would open up to life again, when once he settled in Hogwarts. But there canned be no question of it. Snapes buried himself in his loneliness, bandied words with no one except the bare necessities. That now as well he turned to ERISED for comfort every night wasn't helping matters. Of course Dumbledore wasn't wasting any words on his knowledge to Severus. Decency demanded not to invade his privacy more than Severus himself was willing to expose his feelings. And so Albus had never followed him to ERISED before. But today the circumstances required infringing the rules of reticence. .

Quickly Albus hit his head with his wand, felt the hot drops running through his body and approached Snape slowly.

"Ah, Severus", he spoke to him quietly as if he just had come in at the door, "I guessed I would find you here after I didn't find you in your room. I see you know the secrets of Hogwarts quite well by now."

Startled Snape jumped up to his feet and turned sideward shamefacedly.

„Pro Professor Dumbledore!... What is it?"

„Actually I had rather talked over that in your office, Severus", he started to explain, "But because it's just the way it is… I received an express owl from the ministry that evening, regarding a hearing of Igor Karkaroff, that had been scheduled as early as tomorrow. He hopes for mitigation of sentence by telling the Wizengamot about yet unknown Death Eaters. The Ministry had been so kind to acquaint me with the names pretrial. Among them also yours. I considered it necessary to inform you about that"

Terrified Snape looked Dumbledore straight in the face.

"Don't tell me you…?",he asked anxiously.

Dumbledore raised his hand and commanded him silence.

"When I brought you to Hogwarts and you gave me your word to help me protecting Harry Potter", he darted a deep look at Snape over the edges of his half moon glasses, "I assured you of my protect.

I usually keep my word. But I can't issue a guarantee to you."

Snape slouched his shoulders and sank down on chair in front of Dumbledore.

"That means you think that…", he asked quietly.

„..The odds are in your favour, yes", Dumbledore added.

The young man looked up to him insecurely as if he still couldn't have trust in his words. Albus however smiled.

"Don't worry, Severus", he calmingly talked to the young man, "As long as the Wizengamot appreciates my judgement I don't think you will be send to Azkaban."

Snape mumbled a quiet thankyou. But Dumbledore didn't seem to note it.

"Well I think, I'll proceed myself to my room again and I advise you to do the same. ERISED offers seducements that let you forget the living while you are dreaming. You should apply yourself to your students, your work and at this time to a beauty sleep. As I heard rumoring in the hallways at midday today the Quidditch team of your house has an important training tomorrow morning. I'm sure the students would like it very much, if their head teacher would support them. Good night, Severus."

With a smile and sleepy eyes Albus Dumbledore had gone. Severus first looked at the mirror and then over to the door. He was sure that Dumbledore knew more than he had conceded. And Severus staggered what he should think about that. Should he be ashamed of his tears, his emotional bareness? Should he be mad at Dumbledore, because he had surprised him?

Severus was angry… yet still, of all people who could have caught him up here Dumbledore was still the best.

A while longer Severus watched the closed door. An intuitionally certitude said him that the old wizard wouldn't take advantage of what he had seen. Dumbledore had kept his silence so far and knowing that calmed Severus.


End file.
